‘I think about the choice I made every day’
'When the issue of abortion comes up in the news, and in particularly, the debate surrounding whether to decriminalise it in NSW, it is difficult'.
THE discussion in last week’s AJN on the bill to decriminalise abortion in NSW was lacking one very important thing – a woman’s perspective.
I want to address Rabbi Gad Krebs’ assertion that “my body my choice” means that “not only is the mother not liable, she need not feel any guilt at all” because that is not what “my body, my choice” means at all.
Let me explain.
In 2012, at 18-and-a-half weeks pregnant (and after six weeks of waiting for a diagnosis) I was given the news that the very much wanted first child that I was carrying had Trisomy 13, a condition that is “not compatible with life”. These four words have haunted me for over seven years.
Not compatible with life.
My “choice” was to terminate immediately or carry the baby until full term for him to either die in the womb or live a few short hours before dying. In my own mind, I already knew I was not going to bring a baby into this world only for him to suffer and die.
And there was not a single professional that recommended the second “choice”. To them, there was no choice. We had to terminate.
And so, on Monday June 4, 19 weeks into my pregnancy and over 25 hours of waiting in a hospital room, with the sound of healthy babies being born and crying all around me, I laboured and delivered a little boy who was 230g and who was not destined to take a single breath in this world.
I could not even bring myself to look at him. I had so many ideas in my head of what our first child might look like – would he have my husband’s skin-tone? Would he have my eyes?
I preferred to live out the rest of my days wondering rather than having the real image stuck in my head.
My amazing OB said he was beautiful. I am sure she says that about all of the babies she has delivered, but it has always stuck in my mind.
In the days and weeks afterwards, physically I healed, and emotionally too. I actually felt relieved. I was relieved that after six weeks of living in limbo, of not knowing, at least I had some “closure”, even if it was not the happy ending we were hoping for.
Spiritually I felt stuck. Had I done the right thing on a religious level? I have never been particularly religious, but all of a sudden I found myself desperately searching the internet for answers. I will be forever grateful for the advice I was given just when I needed it from a rabbanit who I trust, and as I physically healed, I found a way to spiritually heal as well. This is why the statement from the Rabbinical Council of NSW was so hurtful. It negated everything I have come to understand about Judaism and abortion.
In the seven years that have passed, we have been lucky enough to have three amazing boys. I wish I can say the experience changed me or made me a better mother. But I will never know the sort of mother I would have been, and I am certainly no saint when it comes to parenting now. But that is a story for another day. I love my boys with every piece of my heart, even the damaged part, and I try not to dwell on what could have been.
For the most part, it is just a really awful thing that happened to us in the winter of 2012, but we grow from these things and we move on. You cannot live in the past.
But when the issue of abortion comes up in the news, and in particularly, the debate surrounding whether to decriminalise it in NSW, it is difficult. It is difficult because I aborted a child that I wanted more than anything in this world, but if I lived in NSW, I would also have to worry about whether this very personal decision would have criminal consequences.
Contrary to Rabbi Krebs asserting that ‘my body my choice’ means a mother need not feel any guilt, I think about it daily. A loss is a loss. And the pain of wanting to have a child and then not having that child is still the same.
I am sharing my story in hope that it empowers someone else who has gone through, or is going through, something similar. That they see that this narrative is not dominated by men who do not have a uterus and will never have to actually make this choice.
You do not have to “out” yourself on Facebook or tell your story to the world. Just know that you are never, ever alone.
The human face is often missing from this discussion, but it is the most important element in understanding that most pregnant woman do not wake up one day and just decide they want an abortion when they are mid or late term. Abortion is not black and white, but all different shades of grey, and that is what was missing from the pages of your newspaper.
Emily Gian is an active member of the community and a mother of three.
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